is there a blockage somewhere?

sometimes i think I have something to say, then I realise I do not know the words to express those thoughts, its almost as if something gets lost in translation. What feels like a deep thought infact turns out to be pure nonsense and of no importance at all. One may consider it as a blessing or a curse, Either way it bugs the crap out of me. I hate being stuck in my thoughts to the point where someone asks me what I think of something and I say 'Its different' simply because my head is scattered a million miles in different directions. It's different doesnt mean its bad, It simply becomes a safe answer meaning... I have thoughts about this, and feelings about this but I dont know how to express that to you. its like being trapped in my head. I suppose in a way it is a good thing, I am often accused of saying things out of context, inappropriate and down right stupid so I figure it is also better to say nothing or very little. I am guessing there is a disconnection somewhere between mouth and brain, its either a disconnection or a blockage... Maybe its just learning from past experience that an opinion doesnt always have to be shared and neither do feelings.

A new Journey

A new Journey begins today, My Liam is in respite and I am flying to Bali, Some people question my selfish occassion to leave the country despite my limited means and my children. I assure none of these 'trips' are ever done lightly, alot of planning time and effort goes into such excursions, be it tractor pulling, holidaying or just taking a few hours out of my home life to just be me. I am a person besides being a mother, a friend, a therapist, a dietician, a partner, a daughter, I am all of these things and more but there is also a part of me that is simply me... the part that enjoys quiet reflection, traveling, Nature, photography and reading. There is a part of me that craves these things when times get tough, I love the freedom of being on the motorbike with my friend as we zoom through the city with the wind surrounding me and shifting all the weight of the day to somewhere that I dont have to worry about, I can give it back to the universe and be at peace, My camera is probably my best friend, to see a shot and work towards it, to capture the beauty of llife surrounding me that doesnt involve equipment or discipline or planning or hospitals or appointments,  I love spending time in the bush just planting my feet down on the earth and letting the mother land soak up all the pain and hurt that life can sometimes give. The simplicity of it all is refreshing. My holidays, mean so much to me, they let me see the world through eyes that dont belong to me, to see how other people live and take stock of the good things in my life, spending that time with my partner or dear friends having time that is just us. doing whatever we feel like on the day without the planning of medication times or buses or feeding times. I love my children and I enjoy the time I get to be me so I can better enjoy the other part of me that is so vitally important to their wellbeing and happiness. To share those times with my partner and show him that I love him so much that I ache for him and want him to also be happy. My life is mine, and I do what I do with the knowledge I have at the time, be it wrong or be it right, it is my responsibility and no one has the right to make those judgements save the people it affects directly.

am i really crazy?

I am feelins so trapped in my head at the moment and I dont know how to say it or what to say to be honest, I feel like I am in an isolated world of fear, anger, dread, torture and well isolation. I feel like I am a burden to society, my partner, my children and family. There is no rhyme or  reason to these feelings but they are not normal nor do they feel ok. there are so many faults, misguidances, and out right mistakes that I can not seem to learn from change or deal with. Am I crazy? am I bipolar? schitz? anything? The dr says no, but my mood swings have been out of control and I feel very flighty and when the flightiness comes so does the fear. the fear of what my life feels like it has become, the fear of what will be, and the fear of what I see in the mirror. I am trying so hard to remain strong and positive, happy and courageous, but I seem to have slipped.

not the life I expected

When you are expecting a child what do you think of? smiles, nappies, the joy of a new life to fill your days? Well so did I in 2003, this is the story of my children, how their lives have been dramatically altered. my life went from thinking about bottles and nappies and smiles and watching as my little critter learned, to a hellish nightmare of hospitals, diagnoses, fear, dread and at times utter desolation. I grieved for the child I thought I was going to have from the time I heard those words until now, I will always have a sense of grief with missed milestones that I know will never happen for Liam. I also know a sense of great joy at watching some of the things he manages to learn despite his disability, things they never said he would do, I have helped him to achieve, even if for only one day. My son and his brother and sister are the real reason I chose to Blog. to share with them their triumphs and their struggles, to retell a story I wish I didnt have to.

Some say writing is theraputic, hopefull this will do a better job that any councellor ever has...