The year gone by....

Life has become once again very busy, we are almost at the beginning of October. 9 months into the year, Time has moved quickly, Almost too quickly in some respects and yet in others almost thankfully. There have been days that have moved at a near snails pace and others I do not remember at all. There has been so much happen.

The biggest shock of all came in December last year, with an emergency termination and subsequent discovery of cancer, Though minor surgery corrected the problem it set off its own set of problems emotionally. Relationship problems came to a head, which spurred someone we trusted to become involved in the worst possible way, Trying to sabotage something we were trying to fix. With that betrayal to us both, the things we were trying to achieve were put on hold by a series of breakdowns, meltdowns and a total loss of emotion. Throughout those dark days there became 1 light, guiding, yearning and beckoning to me reminding me to keep breathing though my heart wished otherwise. That one guiding light listened without judgement and helped me to put the pieces of my shattered mind back together. Helped me to sort through the tangles and snarls of a confused and disjointed thought process. Helped emotions to begin again, a little spark of love shining through the storm clouds of my life at the time, followed by all the emotions and thought processes of a healing spirit. I began to change my ways, my goals, and probably most important in the whole process, my attitude. I became more positive in everything I faced.

Liam's surgery was another huge step in where I had been, and what I had become. I was clear in what I needed and I made it happen. We had the supports we needed and we did our best to support those supports, bywhich bolstering it into an infallible system of support, assistance and friendship, While we were all exhausted we worked together towards the best possible outcome. We faced two rounds of surgery, a chest infection which Liam almost didnt pull through and many days and nights of caring for Liam and our family to pull through the long recovery.
Liam's surgery and initial recovery passed and once again I felt niggles of something underlying, a pain, a twisiting against the positive person I had become. It soon became apparent that the slight shadows I felt around me was grief, but i couldnt work out from what.... I paid more attention to the things happening around me and noticed those shadows appear at my pregnant friends, ultrasounds, and newborns. Those shadows reduced the happiness I normally would have felt.
The grief I felt over the child I terminated through dr's recommendations and my own choice to follow that advice had finally come to bear witness to my life. I became quiet and reserved as I processed my own grief and also feeling that I had no right to grieve for a child I knowingly terminated, Feeling I had no right to ask for support over a choice I had made, Grief that I would not meet that child or know if I was forgiven. My heart also took a journey of gratitude, for without the termination I would not have found out about the cancer until much further down the track and things today might be VERY different. It still takes its toll occasionally and I am still moving towards acceptance and healing, but I am getting there....

Today as I face the beginning of a new journey on Sunday I remember friends I have lost recently and the impact they have had on my life.

Rose, I think of you always, your smile, your laugh and the connection that you and Liam shared that none but you understood. The love you so freely showed to us and the friendship that developed so quickly.
Harvey, I watched you from afar and developed a deep sense of love for you and your beautiful family, Your mum has helped me in more ways then she realises and the way you faced your life with a smile and a giggle.
Eric, What can I say, you gave us the gift of life. You helped us to perfect a feeding system that kept professionals off our back and helped Liam to become strong enough to survive the trials he faced. You touched my heart with your generosity, strength and courage, You helped me to accept my life and to be strong enough to work towards a better way.

I can not thank you all of the people who have loved, taught me, helped me and supported me this year, Life does go on and the friends we make can make all the difference.
I guess the real thing I am thinking as I look back over the last 12 months is this...

Throughout my struggles I have made some big leaps, leap of faith, trust and courage. I have met and lost some amazing people All of whom have touched my life and made it better, I have said hello to new and goodbye to those who have gone on before to pave the way for those who will follow. I have grown (though sadly no bigger) emotionally, I struggled, I have laughed and I have cried, I have learned and I have taught ( I hope). but throughout it all, while I still love and know how to be loved, I have won.

where to from here?

I've made some life changing decisions lately and its been a hard road to get there and continue on that path. Its become a road of guilt trips, anxiety, and just plain hard. Am I over emotional? at the moment I am. I have pushed people away for various reasons, I have pushed myself beyond limits and beyond emotional limits and I have felt very pressured by many things around me and by me. So. I ask myself? Where to from here. Well, The way I have been feeling I have wanted to give up, I have wanted someone to take me in their arms and tell me its the right thing to do, and I will be better for the stand that I have made. Is there someone that will do that? No, There never is in situations like that, Its a lonely road but a worthwhile one. I have to make these decisions by myself for myself and be comfortable in my own skin and my own thought processes. How do I get there?
Well the only way I can think of to get there is to set goals and to strive towards them. Have I set some goals yet? Yes. I have made some big ones some small ones and some that I may need a little help with. I will get through this, I have to for my own sake. I need to be the person I am inside, not the person I feel I have become. I need to let my light shine before the world so that I may be remembered, not by a label, but because I am a worthwhile human being.