The year gone by....

Life has become once again very busy, we are almost at the beginning of October. 9 months into the year, Time has moved quickly, Almost too quickly in some respects and yet in others almost thankfully. There have been days that have moved at a near snails pace and others I do not remember at all. There has been so much happen.

The biggest shock of all came in December last year, with an emergency termination and subsequent discovery of cancer, Though minor surgery corrected the problem it set off its own set of problems emotionally. Relationship problems came to a head, which spurred someone we trusted to become involved in the worst possible way, Trying to sabotage something we were trying to fix. With that betrayal to us both, the things we were trying to achieve were put on hold by a series of breakdowns, meltdowns and a total loss of emotion. Throughout those dark days there became 1 light, guiding, yearning and beckoning to me reminding me to keep breathing though my heart wished otherwise. That one guiding light listened without judgement and helped me to put the pieces of my shattered mind back together. Helped me to sort through the tangles and snarls of a confused and disjointed thought process. Helped emotions to begin again, a little spark of love shining through the storm clouds of my life at the time, followed by all the emotions and thought processes of a healing spirit. I began to change my ways, my goals, and probably most important in the whole process, my attitude. I became more positive in everything I faced.

Liam's surgery was another huge step in where I had been, and what I had become. I was clear in what I needed and I made it happen. We had the supports we needed and we did our best to support those supports, bywhich bolstering it into an infallible system of support, assistance and friendship, While we were all exhausted we worked together towards the best possible outcome. We faced two rounds of surgery, a chest infection which Liam almost didnt pull through and many days and nights of caring for Liam and our family to pull through the long recovery.
Liam's surgery and initial recovery passed and once again I felt niggles of something underlying, a pain, a twisiting against the positive person I had become. It soon became apparent that the slight shadows I felt around me was grief, but i couldnt work out from what.... I paid more attention to the things happening around me and noticed those shadows appear at my pregnant friends, ultrasounds, and newborns. Those shadows reduced the happiness I normally would have felt.
The grief I felt over the child I terminated through dr's recommendations and my own choice to follow that advice had finally come to bear witness to my life. I became quiet and reserved as I processed my own grief and also feeling that I had no right to grieve for a child I knowingly terminated, Feeling I had no right to ask for support over a choice I had made, Grief that I would not meet that child or know if I was forgiven. My heart also took a journey of gratitude, for without the termination I would not have found out about the cancer until much further down the track and things today might be VERY different. It still takes its toll occasionally and I am still moving towards acceptance and healing, but I am getting there....

Today as I face the beginning of a new journey on Sunday I remember friends I have lost recently and the impact they have had on my life.

Rose, I think of you always, your smile, your laugh and the connection that you and Liam shared that none but you understood. The love you so freely showed to us and the friendship that developed so quickly.
Harvey, I watched you from afar and developed a deep sense of love for you and your beautiful family, Your mum has helped me in more ways then she realises and the way you faced your life with a smile and a giggle.
Eric, What can I say, you gave us the gift of life. You helped us to perfect a feeding system that kept professionals off our back and helped Liam to become strong enough to survive the trials he faced. You touched my heart with your generosity, strength and courage, You helped me to accept my life and to be strong enough to work towards a better way.

I can not thank you all of the people who have loved, taught me, helped me and supported me this year, Life does go on and the friends we make can make all the difference.
I guess the real thing I am thinking as I look back over the last 12 months is this...

Throughout my struggles I have made some big leaps, leap of faith, trust and courage. I have met and lost some amazing people All of whom have touched my life and made it better, I have said hello to new and goodbye to those who have gone on before to pave the way for those who will follow. I have grown (though sadly no bigger) emotionally, I struggled, I have laughed and I have cried, I have learned and I have taught ( I hope). but throughout it all, while I still love and know how to be loved, I have won.

where to from here?

I've made some life changing decisions lately and its been a hard road to get there and continue on that path. Its become a road of guilt trips, anxiety, and just plain hard. Am I over emotional? at the moment I am. I have pushed people away for various reasons, I have pushed myself beyond limits and beyond emotional limits and I have felt very pressured by many things around me and by me. So. I ask myself? Where to from here. Well, The way I have been feeling I have wanted to give up, I have wanted someone to take me in their arms and tell me its the right thing to do, and I will be better for the stand that I have made. Is there someone that will do that? No, There never is in situations like that, Its a lonely road but a worthwhile one. I have to make these decisions by myself for myself and be comfortable in my own skin and my own thought processes. How do I get there?
Well the only way I can think of to get there is to set goals and to strive towards them. Have I set some goals yet? Yes. I have made some big ones some small ones and some that I may need a little help with. I will get through this, I have to for my own sake. I need to be the person I am inside, not the person I feel I have become. I need to let my light shine before the world so that I may be remembered, not by a label, but because I am a worthwhile human being.

is there a blockage somewhere?

sometimes i think I have something to say, then I realise I do not know the words to express those thoughts, its almost as if something gets lost in translation. What feels like a deep thought infact turns out to be pure nonsense and of no importance at all. One may consider it as a blessing or a curse, Either way it bugs the crap out of me. I hate being stuck in my thoughts to the point where someone asks me what I think of something and I say 'Its different' simply because my head is scattered a million miles in different directions. It's different doesnt mean its bad, It simply becomes a safe answer meaning... I have thoughts about this, and feelings about this but I dont know how to express that to you. its like being trapped in my head. I suppose in a way it is a good thing, I am often accused of saying things out of context, inappropriate and down right stupid so I figure it is also better to say nothing or very little. I am guessing there is a disconnection somewhere between mouth and brain, its either a disconnection or a blockage... Maybe its just learning from past experience that an opinion doesnt always have to be shared and neither do feelings.

A new Journey

A new Journey begins today, My Liam is in respite and I am flying to Bali, Some people question my selfish occassion to leave the country despite my limited means and my children. I assure none of these 'trips' are ever done lightly, alot of planning time and effort goes into such excursions, be it tractor pulling, holidaying or just taking a few hours out of my home life to just be me. I am a person besides being a mother, a friend, a therapist, a dietician, a partner, a daughter, I am all of these things and more but there is also a part of me that is simply me... the part that enjoys quiet reflection, traveling, Nature, photography and reading. There is a part of me that craves these things when times get tough, I love the freedom of being on the motorbike with my friend as we zoom through the city with the wind surrounding me and shifting all the weight of the day to somewhere that I dont have to worry about, I can give it back to the universe and be at peace, My camera is probably my best friend, to see a shot and work towards it, to capture the beauty of llife surrounding me that doesnt involve equipment or discipline or planning or hospitals or appointments,  I love spending time in the bush just planting my feet down on the earth and letting the mother land soak up all the pain and hurt that life can sometimes give. The simplicity of it all is refreshing. My holidays, mean so much to me, they let me see the world through eyes that dont belong to me, to see how other people live and take stock of the good things in my life, spending that time with my partner or dear friends having time that is just us. doing whatever we feel like on the day without the planning of medication times or buses or feeding times. I love my children and I enjoy the time I get to be me so I can better enjoy the other part of me that is so vitally important to their wellbeing and happiness. To share those times with my partner and show him that I love him so much that I ache for him and want him to also be happy. My life is mine, and I do what I do with the knowledge I have at the time, be it wrong or be it right, it is my responsibility and no one has the right to make those judgements save the people it affects directly.

am i really crazy?

I am feelins so trapped in my head at the moment and I dont know how to say it or what to say to be honest, I feel like I am in an isolated world of fear, anger, dread, torture and well isolation. I feel like I am a burden to society, my partner, my children and family. There is no rhyme or  reason to these feelings but they are not normal nor do they feel ok. there are so many faults, misguidances, and out right mistakes that I can not seem to learn from change or deal with. Am I crazy? am I bipolar? schitz? anything? The dr says no, but my mood swings have been out of control and I feel very flighty and when the flightiness comes so does the fear. the fear of what my life feels like it has become, the fear of what will be, and the fear of what I see in the mirror. I am trying so hard to remain strong and positive, happy and courageous, but I seem to have slipped.

not the life I expected

When you are expecting a child what do you think of? smiles, nappies, the joy of a new life to fill your days? Well so did I in 2003, this is the story of my children, how their lives have been dramatically altered. my life went from thinking about bottles and nappies and smiles and watching as my little critter learned, to a hellish nightmare of hospitals, diagnoses, fear, dread and at times utter desolation. I grieved for the child I thought I was going to have from the time I heard those words until now, I will always have a sense of grief with missed milestones that I know will never happen for Liam. I also know a sense of great joy at watching some of the things he manages to learn despite his disability, things they never said he would do, I have helped him to achieve, even if for only one day. My son and his brother and sister are the real reason I chose to Blog. to share with them their triumphs and their struggles, to retell a story I wish I didnt have to.

Some say writing is theraputic, hopefull this will do a better job that any councellor ever has...